Apparently it's a cooking blog now

Soupe au Cresson de Fontaine
(which is french for the best effing watercress soup you ever tasted)

1. Find a recipe that you have at least half the ingredients for.

2. Use your maths skillz to calculate the amounts you have to use, lowest common denominator styles, so that you have enough of everything.

3. Estimate 8g of butter and put it in a saucepan until it has melted some.

4. Then put half a small onion (whatever kind you have) in and cook it in there until soft. [By the way you chopped the onion already. When you do this make sure the blood from where you sliced your finger open doesn’t get in the food. Doesn’t matter if the tears from when you rubbed your eyes while touching onion get in.]

5. Eat some peanuts.

6. Peel and dice a potato.

7. Panic slightly when you realise you don’t have any stock of any kind. Decide that stock just tastes like salty water, so estimate 200mL of water and add salt until it almost tastes like chicken stock. Mmmm.

8. When the onion is soft, but not brown unless it is a brown onion, put in the potato and “stock” and cook for a while. (If you’re listening to Triple J Hottest 100 Volume 6 it’s a good idea to put them in at the start of No Surprises by Radiohead for ease of time estimation later).

9. Meanwhile, you need to find about 16mL of cream. It’s up to you to choose between the ingredients on hand, but personally I’d go for semi-skimmed UHT milk, rather than coconut cream or pineapple flavoured yoghurt. All good options though.

10. While waiting you might as well drink some juice, but try and remember to wash the cup you made the stock in before you use it. Right about now, the funk soul brother.

11. At any time feel free to panic and add more water if things are looking scary. But you might have to use your hand if there is now juice in the cup.

12. Like a few minutes before the potato is cooked (or at the end of Drinking in LA for all you who don’t have the ability to time-travel) put the watercress in. Oh shit it’s meant to be chopped. Excuse me one moment.

13. Now, at the end of Cry (about 4 minutes and 8 seconds later, or when the watercress is cooked) I think it is time to use a food processor or some such. If your kitchen is ovenless, microwaveless, toasterless and kettleless I highly doubt you have a food processor. But not to worry, a great substitute is getting all the cutlery you have and just going crazy while making the food processor noise with your mouth. This should take you to the end of the CD.

14. Screw 16mL, just keep adding milk until it starts looking more like soup than mashed potato.

15. Serve immediately. After finishing blog entry.

No offense to anyone who actually bothers to cook things properly, but this was freakin delicious. I’m never eating anything else again.